


Purpose

by kittenmacabre



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Drama & Romance, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Shameless Smut, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Virgin Kylo Ren, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), throw me in the compactor because I am trash for this ship, wholesome intergalactic handholding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-01-12 20:48:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18454352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenmacabre/pseuds/kittenmacabre
Summary: Rey is feeling adrift after helping what is left of the Resistance escape from Crait. When she goes on a hopeless mission to allow the rebuilding Resistance to escape the First Order once again, it does not end the way she expects. As her world shifts, she is forced to face the realities of the feelings that she denied in that throne room months ago.





	1. Blaze of Glory

Rey had always assumed she would die of thirst, alone and forgotten in the desert. Or maybe she would perish in a fall through one of the ravaged star destroyers she climbed through on Jakku, hurtling through the darkness with nobody to hear her final scream.

 

She never expected to die in a blaze of glory, and she certainly had not thought it would not be this soon. But yet, here she was.

 

The control panel of the X-wing in front of her was dotted with a myriad of angrily blinking red lights, but she ignored them in favor of focusing on flying as evasively as possible. The harsh beeping of alarms was fraying her focus and making it difficult to avoid the barrage of fire coming at her from a cluster of TIE fighters, but there was nothing to be done for it. Her deflector shields were down, and there was nothing to keep her from obliteration but her wits and the few maneuvers she had picked up from Poe in the past three months.

 

She quickly swerved into a nauseating roll, as green bolts grazed the port side of her starfighter. Too close. She needed to distract the enemy fighters for a few more minutes for the Resistance to get away. Only a few more minutes and then it wouldn’t matter if the bolts decimated her fighter, scattering her through the stars like the nothing she was. She just had to buy a few more minutes and she would have served her purpose.

 

As she executed a dizzying series of maneuvers designed to be as flashy as possible, she couldn’t contain the broken laugh that tore its way from her lips. The flips and rolls she pulled the starfighter in were intended to keep the TIEs focus on her, frustrating them and keeping their attention from the cloaked transport that was preparing its jump to hyperspace. She could not lie to herself though, her reckless path from the sky brought her a sick sort of joy. This would not be a horrible way to die.

 

It was a strange thought for her to have, considering the lengths she had gone to to survive in the past. Rey had spent her entire life clinging stubbornly to life in the desert, not letting herself be defeated by the harsh beating of the sun or the bone-deep ache of starvation.

 

But now… now she faced death with a broken laugh on her lips, happy at least that her life would come to an end in a free and dizzying flight amongst the stars. Glad that her life could at least end with some sort of purpose in mind.

 

Purpose was something she had lost in the past three months. For as long as she could remember her goal had been merely to _survive._ Survive Jakku to see her parents return to her, to have her family restored and prove everybody that laughed at her hope wrong. And she had clung to that purpose with the grim determination that could only be born of desperation.

 

But that purpose had been torn from her and ripped to shreds by a few harsh words in a burning throne room. _They were nobody. They are dead in a pauper’s grave in the Jakku desert._ The truth of those words had torn her very reason for staying alive from her soul and ripped it to shreds with more brutal efficiency than the crackling red plasma beam of a lightsaber.

 

There had been other purposes that Rey had fancied she could live for, but she had found those all dismissed before they could take root in her soul. She had thought that her purpose could be to train as Jedi under Master Skywalker and continue the tradition of the Order to the galaxy. But that dream had been snuffed out before it ignited, by a flat refusal from an old hermit, followed quickly by the man’s death.

 

The more tantalizing purpose had been born in the depths of shimmering brown eyes over firelight, and a soft touch of fingertips across the galaxy. Rey had convinced herself that her purpose was to go to Kylo Ren and dig Ben Solo out of the depths of his soul. To bring salvation to the galaxy through her compassion for one man. One man with a loneliness almost as deep and profound as her own.

 

But that purpose had died in the same moment as her dream to find her family, with deceptively soft words over a battlefield of ashes. _Join me. Together, we can bring a New Order to the galaxy._ And she knew that she had failed in her self-appointed mission to bring Ben Solo back to the resistance. To try to piece back together the fragments of a family that she wishes had been hers.

 

So, when the First Order had come upon the rapidly rebuilding Resistance, Rey hadn’t hesitated to throw herself into a suicide mission to allow the only people that had ever cared about her to get away. If she could not find a purpose for her life, she could at least find one for her death.

 

So Rey threw herself into her death run with the reckless abandon of somebody with nothing to lose. A fresh wave of TIE fighters emerged from the belly of the foreboding _Finalizer, and an_ actual grin split her face. Let them throw everything they had at her, and she would gladly give everything she had to take as many of them down with her as she could.

 

At last, she felt the bright force signatures of her friends in the Resistance slip away to where she could no longer sense them, and she knew that the transport had successfully made the jump into hyperspace. Her mission was complete.

 

In her relief, she barely noticed a trio of TIEs coming at her in a tight formation. The leader was an extended slim model that she did not recognize, and she barely swerved her ship out of the way of its fire in time. In fact, she didn’t even register her mind giving her hands the command to pull her out of the way. It had just happened as if some voice in the back of her head had told her exactly when the bolts would fire and commanded her to just _move._

**_Rey?_ **

****

A panicked voice suddenly appeared in the space in the back of her mind that had been firmly walled off for the past three months. Apparently, with her focus on her impending death, her subconscious had not been able to keep the bond with Ben closed anymore.

 

Or maybe the lonely child in her had simply not wanted to be completely alone during her last few minutes in the galaxy.

 

**_Rey is that you piloting that fighter?_ **

 

Ben’s voice grew even more insistent in her mind. As she thought of him, she realized she could sense him in a way she hadn’t been able to since the Falcon pulled away from Crait and jumped into hyperspace. He was here.

 

He must be piloting the TIE that had just fired on her. That must have been how her subconscious had known where it was going to fire before it had happened. Because his thoughts in the now unshielded back of her mind had projected it to him.

 

She was going to die, and she suddenly wanted him to know that yes it was her. She wasn’t sure that her death would mean anything to him anymore. But the nothing child in her irrationally wished for somebody to remember her last moments, even if it was only her enemy.

 

_Yes, it's me. Nice moves right?_

**_You’ve got to get out of here. You’re going to get shot down any second. You’re completely overwhelmed._ **

****

His response was instant and urgent in her mind. She was shocked at the panicked concern that was so strong in his thoughts that it was almost palpable. Based on how doggedly the First Order had tried to shoot down the Falcon on Crait, she had assumed he would be glad of the opportunity to see her blasted out of the sky. Their last meeting had ended in with nothing but pain and anger. And this panicked concern took her completely off guard.

 

_That’s kind of the point of a suicide mission you know._

She shot back, unsure of how to cope with his apparent distress.

 

**_What?! No. Absolutely not. I’ll call them off. Fly to the Finalizer. I’ll figure something out._ **

 

This had to be some sort of trick. Any concern for each other they may have shared had been broken as thoroughly as the Skywalker lightsaber when she refused the offer to stand at his side. But the unfiltered panic rushing down the now wide-open bond gave her a moment’s pause. Did he still somehow care for her?

 

In the brief hesitation while this possibility raced through her brain, she was distracted enough to miss the blaster bolts hurtling towards her until the last second. She tried to roll out of the way, but it was too late. The bolts connected with her port side, ripping off the wing and throwing her against the control panel of the small starfighter hard enough to turn her vision white.

 

Her fighter began to hurtle towards the green planet below, and she knew without being able to see the damage that there was no way she was going to be able to land this thing safely. The impact of her head against controls was already forcing her from consciousness, and she supposed it was a small mercy that she was not going to be awake to feel herself die in the fiery blaze of impact.

 

**_REY!_ **

 

The last coherent thought she had was of soft brown eyes in flickering firelight, and Rey laid her head down to die with a sad smile playing across her lips.


	2. Cedar and Bergamot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wakes up to an awkward cinnamon roll with a lot of explaining to do.

Death was not what Rey had expected it to be, and quite frankly she was disappointed.

The first thing Rey became aware of was a searing pain in her head. Interesting to realize that she still had a head to ache in death. This was not the sweet oblivion she had hoped for.

 

The next thing she was aware of was that breathing hurt, every inhale causing her a deep stabbing pain, the cool air scraping harshly against a raw throat.

 

Breathing. Dead people weren’t supposed to breathe.

 

The realization ebbed through her slowly. Somehow, she was alive. How had that happened? The last thing she remembered was a damaged X-wing hurtling towards a green planet and an agonized screaming in the back of her consciousness, yelling something that sounded like her name. She could not put together anything after that.

 

Had she ejected from the fighter as it fell? Based on the softness of the surface she was laying on, it did not feel like she was strapped into the pilots chair. And it was a deliciously soft surface that she was laying on. It was probably the most comfortable thing she had ever laid on in her life, she mused distantly.

 

Rey did not know if she drifted there, between conscious and unconscious, for seconds or hours before it occurred to her that it might be a good idea to open her eyes. When she pried her eyelids up, all she could detect was a dim red light, filling a vast blackness. Tried to look around to see what sort of heavenly surface she was resting on, but found that she was too weak, and only managed an uncontrolled flop of her head to the side.

 

That small movement caused a renewed throbbing in her skull, and she was forced to screw her eyes closed against the sensation. A ragged sound bubbled up out of her throat.

 

The silence was broken by a sudden rustling and what sounded like heavy footsteps, followed by a sudden shift in the air next to her.

 

“Rey?” rumbled a gentle voice close to her head, “Can you hear me Rey?”

 

Rey knew she should open her eyes to respond to that familiar voice and look into the soft brown eyes she had dreamed of as she died. But the searing in her head was to intense for her to manage it, so she settled for another groan instead.

 

In response, she felt a cool pressure on her forehead. Wide, callused fingers caressed her temples, and the sensation chased away the worst of the ache in her head.

 

“You need to sleep Rey. Rest now.”

 

The voice was so convincing that she did not hesitate before reaching out again to let unconsciousness overtake her. As she drifted back into darkness, she thought she heard the gentle voice rumble again.

 

“You’re safe now. You are not alone.”

 

~

 

The next time Rey woke, consciousness came back to her much more quickly. The ache in her head was a phantom of what it had been, and her eyes flickered open immediately.

 

This time, a soft gray light illuminated a reflective obsidian ceiling and walls. She turned her head much more easily and was relieved to find that it did not prompt the same agony as before. As she turned, her cheek met a black silk pillowcase, and she took a second to marvel at the luxury of the feeling of it against her skin and take in the warm smell of cedar and bergamot that clung to the sheets. Glancing farther away from the luxurious material on which she was resting, she started when she saw what lay beyond the edge of the bed.

 

A few meters from where she lay was a couch, all sleek leather and gleaming chrome. What made Rey’s breathe catch in her throat though, was the sight of the Ben Solo sprawled on the couch. And when she looked at the man on the couch, there was no doubt in her mind that she was looking at Ben Solo instead of Kylo Ren. He had managed to cram his massive frame onto the piece of furniture, although a thick leg was hanging off the side and one arm dangled towards the floor in order to allow him to fit. His neck was bent at what looked to be a supremely uncomfortable angle in order to rest his head on the arm rest, but the awkwardness of the position did not seem to be affecting him. His eyes were obscured by a thick swatch of his dark hair falling across his face, and his mouth hung wide open. As Rey observed, she realized she could hear him snoring softly, and she almost giggled. Who knew the Supreme Leader of the Galaxy snored?

 

That thought brought her up short. What the kark was she doing in the same room as this man, and why in star's name was he asleep on a couch?

 

Once again, she searched her recent memory, and remembered the dogfight in the X-wing. She remembered that he had been there, and she could still hear him yelling in her brain as her ship hurtled into the planet’s atmosphere. It still did not manage to explain how she had ended up in this rather peculiar situation.

 

Maybe she had been captured after she had been knocked unconscious. Perhaps Ben had realized that she could be more useful as a source of information than she would be as so much space dust.

 

She waited for fear to wash over her, but it did not come. She could not bring herself to be afraid in her current situation. Maybe she was still to surprised to be alive to be afraid of dying again. Or maybe she figured that it wouldn’t be worth the trouble of keeping her alive after an injury if she was only intended to be killed.

 

None of this explained why she was waking up to a set of silk sheets instead of the hard steel of an interrogation chair. Seeing Ben asleep and exposed was a far different site than what had greeted her the last time she emerged from unconsciousness in his presence. Instead of a well put together predator, waiting to tear into her brain for secrets, the man she saw was shockingly human. He still wore his full black regalia, but his gloves were off, carelessly tossed on the polished floor next to the couch.

 

Her mind attempted to supply her with an alternative explanation for why she found herself in this position, reminding her of Ben’s request that she come to safety on his ship and presenting her with the feeling of cool hands rubbing her temples. She brushed the thoughts aside though as ridiculous. She had watched her hopes be crushed by the man in front of her before, she did not want to build them up for him to demolish again.

 

As if Ben could sense her thinking about him, his thick lashes began to flutter against his pale cheekbones. His eyes opened and found hers staring at him. He lurched to his feet instantly, as if he hadn’t been asleep only moments before and strode over to her bedside.

 

As his form loomed over her, Rey once again braced for fear to wash over her at the thought of being at her enemy’s mercy like this, but it did not come. Perhaps she was still to weak from her injuries to be able to manage as strong of a reaction as fear.

 

Before she could ponder her feelings any longer, Ben dropped to his knees next to her head. He grabbed a glass of water from where a small stand next to the bed and lifted questioningly.

 

Rey blinked in response, unsure if she could or should speak. She also was not entirely sure she could lift her head to drink. Besides, a small paranoid voice in her head supplied, who knew what could be in the water her enemy was offering her?

 

Apparently, Ben took her blink as ascent and before she could process what was happening, he slipped a large hand under her head and gently tipped it forward while holding the glass of water to her lips. Automatically, she began to drink greedily, her desert rat instincts taking over and telling her to drink as much of the clean cool water as she could while it was available. After a few swallows, Ben pulled the glass away from her lips.

 

“Go slow, you’ll make yourself sick if you drink too fast,” he said as he set the water glass back down on the table, and his voice was gentler than it had any right to be. As he set the glass down, Rey realized his hand was still supporting the back of her head, and she could feel that his skin was comfortably cool against her scalp through her hair. His grip was soft, but she could feel the pads of his fingers pressed gently against her head in a way that was surprisingly soothing.

 

As if he too suddenly realized he was still touching her, he jerked his hand away, letting her head fall back into the ridiculous softness of the pillow.

 

Now that Rey’s mouth was no longer as dry as the sands of Jakku, she decided it was time to try to form words.

 

“How…” was the most she could manage, and her voice sounded like more of a croak than actual words.

 

Despite the brevity of her query, Ben seemed to understand what she wanted to know. He sat back on his heels and did not meet her eyes as he responded.

 

“Your X-wing was disabled. I felt you fall unconscious and I knew you wouldn’t be able to eject yourself as you fell, so I used the force to pull you out of your ship and into my TIE. I brought you back here to the _Finalizer_ to treat your injuries.” Ben’s thick fingers absently picked at the sheets next to Rey as he spoke. She stared at their fidgeting, realizing she had only seen him out of his gloves one other time.

 

He had answered the question of where she was and how she got here. Although what was this room she was in? He had said they were treating her injuries, but it did not look like a med bay. In fact, there was no medical equipment in sight. Some treatment then.

 

Glancing around, it did not appear to be a cell either. Although it was a Spartan space, it was too big and had too much furniture for the purpose of holding a prisoner. No cell that Rey had ever seen before had had a sofa in it. If this was in fact a cell, maybe she should consider getting kidnapped more often, Rey mused. The bed was certainly the most comfortable thing she had ever slept on. A huge step up from her hammock in her AT-AT, or the rickety bunk she curled up on while onboard the Falcon.

 

Rey wrenched her thoughts back to the present. Apparently slamming her head against her ship’s controls still had her knocked a bit silly.

 

Since Ben seemed to be in a rather forthcoming mood, she decided to try asking a few more questions. Ever practical, she decided to start with her injuries. If she was going to formulate a plan to escape, she was going to need to be able to at least walk.

 

“Injuries?” Her voice was a little stronger this time, but she stuck to one-word questions since she did not know how much speech she could muster.

 

“You hit your head pretty hard, most likely have a concussion. A few broken ribs. Some scrapes here and there, nothing Bacta didn’t fix. And you also inhaled a good amount of smoke, which did a number on your lungs. Explains the voice.” Ben’s voice was careful and measured as he listed her injuries. “You’ll be fine in a few days but healing you has been slow going.”

 

Something about the way he phrased that last part tickled the back of Rey’s mind. These were injuries that even the Resistance’s medical bay could fix in no time. So why would her recovery take days? “Healing?” she croaked, confused.

 

“Yes, healing. Force healing was never my strong suit, and I haven’t done it in years, so I’ve had to go slow.”

 

Rey’s mind whirred quickly and then ground to a sudden halt at his words. Her mouth dropped open and she gaped at him like a fish. She could not quite figure out what she needed to ask him, but she knew that she needed an explanation of what was going on right _now._ She opted for shoving the urgency of her confusion to him over the bond, which she realized in that moment was still cracked open since she had let him in during the dogfight.

 

She saw him jump at the sensation of her feelings in his mind, but he didn’t recoil. He worked his jaw a few times, weighing his next words before he said them. If Rey didn’t know better, she would say he looked rather flustered.

 

“None of my subordinates know you are here. I didn’t take you to the med bay so I could keep your presence a secret, and I did not ask for too many supplies so nobody would get suspicious. That’s why I’ve hidden you here in my quarters.” Ben finally looked up from the carpet that he had been studying the whole conversation, to find that Rey was still gaping at him like a fish, and he winced as he realized that she was going to require more of an explanation from him. “If anybody knew you were here, then they would try to stop you when you leave. I didn’t want to break you out of here by force.”

 

After a few stretched moments of silence, Rey realized her mouth was still hanging open, and she shut it with an audible snap.

 

When she left? Break her out? He was planning on… letting her go? That certainly challenged her view on herself as a prisoner here. Not to mention that he had been healing her himself. Force healing was supposed to be a light-sided ability, and a very challenging one at that. How on earth was he managing that? She furrowed her brow at the thought of him bending over her with a look of concentration wrinkling his distinctive features as she laid sprawled across his bed.

 

_His_ bed. Her mind stuck on that idea. She was laying in his bed, on his sheets, where he slept every night. The warm smell of cedar and bergamot that had comforted her earlier was from his skin. Her performed a series of flips that would rival even Poe’s moves in a starfighter at the thought, and she had to clench down tightly on the feeling before her mind got ahead of her.

 

He was still staring at her, his eyes as wide and expressive as always. He had not moved a millimeter as he waited for her reaction.

 

She opened her mouth again, fully ready to demand to know what he was playing at, but as she drew in a breath for her tirade, she found that the sudden intake of air rasped at her burnt throat and caused her to descend into a fit of hacking coughs. In turn, she learned that Ben had been serious about the broken ribs, and she clutched her side desperately as the coughs racked her body and tears threatened to spill out of the corners of her eyes.

 

Ben immediately rose back up on his knees and covered her forehead with his large hand.

 

“I’m going to have to put you under to stop the coughing, otherwise you’ll undo I’ll the healing I’ve managed on your ribs.” He sounded sincerely apologetic, and Rey couldn’t help but note that he had explained what he was doing, instead of just flipping off her consciousness like a light switch, which she knew he was easily capable of.

 

As she continued to cough, she shoved a defiant thought at him with her mind.

 

_You are going to have a lot of talking to do when I wake back up._

Through her tear-blurred vision, Rey could have sworn she saw one corner of his mouth twitch.

 

His voice was little more than a breath as he responded, “I suppose I will, Rey.”

 

Her head burrowed back into the pillows and she let the scent of cedar and bergamot surround her, just as sweet and quiet darkness wrapped its way around her consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, my story is growing arms and legs... possibly even a tail. Thanks for sticking with me. Fic will earn its rating in a couple of chapters, I promise. Comments keep me going.
> 
> Find me on tumblr:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/kittenmacabre13


	3. Flight Suit

Rey was woken by a very familiar feeling burrowing its way through the pit of her stomach: hunger. Before she could even open her eyes, she began to do mental calculations of how many portions she had left in her stockpile, and if she could afford to eat breakfast before heading out into the harsh sun for a grueling day of climbing through the picked-over wreckage of destroyers.

 

When she opened her eyes, however, she was reminded that she was not waking in her AT-AT back on Jakku by the soft gray lighting in Ben’s chambers and the obscene softness of his bed. Seriously, who would have thought that one of the most feared fighters in the galaxy liked his bed this soft?

Looking around her surroundings once more, Rey realized that this time, she was alone, although she could feel that Ben was nearby from the tiny crack that was left open in their bond. It should have surprised her that he left her unguarded among his things, but after the strange developments of late, it didn’t. By the look of things, there were not many belongings in the quarters for her to rifle through anyways. The room was large for cabins on a starship, but not as large as one would have pictured for the Supreme Leader of the Galaxy on his flagship. The walls and floors were the ridiculous reflective black material that the First Order seemed to insist on using anywhere, despite the fact they must have required an entire battalion of troopers to keep them that reflective. Besides the bed she was currently in, the furniture was minimal. Only the couch that Ben had been sleeping on earlier with a low coffee table, a tidy desk with a chair tucked into the corner, and a tall wardrobe up against one wall.

 

Despite no personal effects being visible in the room, Rey’s scavenger fingers itched to rifle through the desk and the wardrobe to see what she might find. Besides, if Ben did not want her to go through his things, he shouldn’t have left her alone in his rooms in the first place.

 

Rey pressed her palms flat into the mattress and hauled herself up to a sitting position, holding her breath in anticipation of the onslaught of pain the action was sure to cause in her battered ribs. She was pleased when she was greeted with nothing more than a dull thudding ache in her flank. It seemed her ribs were healing well. Now that she thought of it, her head was completely pain-free, although the back of her throat still felt a bit scratchy.

 

As she was taking inventory of her body, a door in the wall next to the wardrobe slid open with a light hiss, causing Rey to start. Rey caught a glimpse of what looked to be a white-tiled fresher through the door, before her view was blocked by the wide shoulders of Ben emerging through the doorway. He was wearing black pants and a long sleeve black shirt, and even the towel he was scrubbing through his dripping hair was black. It was clear that his commitment to the color was complete.

 

Rey was inexplicably amused to see that he was barefoot as he padded out of the fresher. His pale feet peeking out of the bottom of his dark trousers made him look surprisingly… normal. While she had seen far more of his skin the one time the force had seen fit to throw him into her presence while he hadn’t been wearing a shirt, his current state of dress somehow managed to make him seem far more vulnerable. Maybe it had something to do with his powerful chest and corded muscle looking as far from “vulnerable” as possible. Rey shook her head to clear the image from her mind quickly, before she could continue to wherever that train of thought had been leading her.

 

As he looked up from drying his hair, Ben caught sight of Rey sitting up in his bed and momentarily tensed before relaxing again and continuing to walk into the room.

 

“You’re up,” he stated as he tossed the towel over his shoulder and strode to the wardrobe.

 

“Obviously.” Rey was pleased to hear some of the strength had returned to her voice, it still stung in the back of her throat to speak, and she figured it would be best if she used her voice minimally for a while. Not to mention, she still sounded vaguely like the bullfrogs she had seen on the swamp planet she had visited with the Resistance.

 

The Resistance. She knew they had gotten away. She only hoped that wherever they were, they continued to be safe. With a pang, she realized that they probably still assumed she was dead. She morosely wondered if they even missed her before mentally chastising herself soundly. Of course they missed her. If Finn and Poe knew where she was, no doubt they would be cooking up some hair-brained rescue mission right now. But they didn’t know, and so here she was, somewhere in the middle of deep space with no clue what would become of her next.

 

Rey was shaken from her reverie by Ben speaking.

 

“If you feel up to it, you are welcome to use the fresher to get cleaned up. Getting all that grime off could only make you feel better.”

 

At his words, Rey glanced down at herself and winced. She was still dressed in her orange pilot’s jumpsuit, which looked rather the worse for wear with several holes charred into it as well as a smattering of rust color stains that she was sure were blood. She also realized that her hands were covered in dark smudges of engine grease, as she had been elbow-deep in repairs on the Falcon when the First Order approached, and she had simply run across the hangar and hopped in the X-wing. She could only assume that her face and hair were equally soiled. She cringed as she realized she had been laying on Ben’s pristine bed as filthy as she was. She felt every inch the out of place desert rat.

 

Watching her examine herself, Ben seemed to sense her train of thought and offered, “Sorry that you have been in that suit for the whole two days you’ve been here. I didn’t want to- I mean, well. I didn’t know…”

 

He had become uncharacteristically inarticulate and Rey raised a brow at him.

 

“I didn’t have anything else to put you in,” he finished lamely.

 

Rey decided to ignore his sudden awkwardness- what was that about?- in favor of considering his offer to get herself cleaned up. She rationalized that whatever this crazy situation she found herself in was, it would be easier to reason through it once she was clean.

 

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and gingerly pushed herself up to standing, pleased to find that she was only marginally unsteady. She wobbled her way over to the door to the fresher, near where Ben was rifling through the wardrobe. He pulled out a few articles of clothing, predictably black, and shoved them towards her.

 

“Here,” he offered. “You can wear these while we clean and patch up your flight suit. They won’t fit but at least they are clean.”

 

She took the proffered cloth and tilted her head at him curiously

 

He huffed and looked away as he shut the wardrobe. “I can’t exactly order a set of women’s clothes to my rooms without raising some red flags. It’s not something I do on a regular basis.”

 

She was oddly warmed to hear that the First Order would not expect their Supreme Leader to have a woman in his rooms as she made her way into the fresher and the door hissed closed behind her.

 

Rey took her time in the fresher, luxuriating in the warm cascade of water. She told herself that she should wash up quickly, and not leave herself vulnerable and _naked_ in the grasp of the enemy, but she could not let such an opportunity go to waste.

 

She had been introduced to the concept of bathing like this a couple of months ago with the Resistance, and it had taken a lot of cajoling by Finn and Poe to convince her that water was indeed plentiful enough to be used in this way. She had found she had loved the experience, even though others complained about the low water pressure and the temperature that was luke-warm at best. In this fresher though, she could turn the temperature up high enough that it scalded her skin and did wonders for her constantly stiff muscles. She also opened her mouth to the spray, the warm water dripping down her throat doing wonders to soothe it.

 

When she finally got out of the fresher and toweled off, she pulled on the clothes that Ben had offered her. To say they were too big was an understatement; She had to pull the drawstring at the waist of the black sleep pants as far as it could go and roll up the bottoms a few times so she did not trip over them when she walked. The shirt got the same treatment. The fabric was more rough-spun than she had anticipated from his wardrobe, but she found it comfortable none-the-less.

 

She roughly ran her fingers through her hopelessly tangled hair a few times before giving up. She mused that Ben must have a comb in the fresher somewhere if he kept his hair looking as soft and coifed as it did all the time. She shook the thought from her head. There was something far too _familiar_ about the idea of using his comb.

 

Clean and dressed, she stepped out of the fresher and back into his room. Now, Ben was fully dressed in his standard tunic, heavy boots back on and lightsaber clipped to the thick belt around his waist, although his gloves were still off and resting on the arm of the sofa. He sat leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees as he scrutinized holopad clutched in his hands, but he looked up when she entered.

 

Rey saw something profound and satisfied pass over his face as he took in the sight of her, wrapped in his clothing, wet hair plastered to her neck. Her cheeks were still flushed pink from the hot water and steam, or maybe it was the way he was looking at her that made them color that way.

 

She broke the tense moment by throwing her battered flight suit over the back of the couch, the garish orange looking jarringly out of place in the sleek monotone of the room. “My clothes,” she rasped.

 

“I’ll deal with them,” he said, finally breaking eye contact with her to glance at the article of clothing she had slung casually onto his furniture.

 

A tense silence grew between them as they both considered what to do about their situation now. Rey still wanted more explanation, but now that she thought about it, she was unsure if she wanted to damage this fragile truce between them right yet. So, she let the silence stretch.

 

It was broken almost immediately by her stomach grumbling audibly.

 

“Food. Of course. You must be hungry.” Ben jumped to his feet, looking almost relieved by the distraction of something practical to do. He crossed to the door on the opposite wall from the one to the fresher and snapped a few quick orders into the hallway. Rey almost rolled her eyes at the thought that there was always somebody waiting in the hall to do his bidding at all times. Then she realized what it meant about her ability to leave the room without being detected and grimaced.

 

He turned back from the hallway and shut the door behind him before telling her, “Food should be here in a few minutes.”

 

She merely nodded at him and crossed to the bed, where she perched herself cross-legged and proceeded to section her tangled hair into three pieces so she could braid it while they waited. So far her silence had managed to keep them from fighting, so she decided she would stick to the strategy for a bit longer. He stalked over to the couch and sat down on it, snatching back up the holopad he had been looking over earlier and peering at it. Rey could swear his eyes weren’t moving as he stared at it though.

 

No sooner had Rey finished her braid than there was a gentle chime from the direction of the door and Ben sprang to his feet to answer it, looking as if he were glad for an excuse to be moving again. When he returned from the door, he was carrying a metal tray laden with food, and the smell alone caused her stomach to release another embarrassingly loud rumble. Rey swore she saw the corner of Ben’s mouth twitch at the noise before he turned to set the tray on the low coffee table in front of the couch.

 

He settled himself back on the couch and grabbed one of the plates of the tray before gesturing towards the remaining food, “Eat.”

 

Rey stalked towards the table and picked up one of the remaining plates and sniffed it, before nearly growling in appreciation. She then plopped herself down on the floor in front of the table and dug in. She was glad that Finn had actually taught her how to eat with a fork, as opposed to just shoveling food in with her hands as she had for the rest of her life, but she was still told that she ate with the grace of a Wampa.

 

When she actually looked up from her food to breathe, she found Ben staring at her with something strangely like awe on his face. Suddenly uncomfortable with his scrutiny, she swallowed her rather large mouthful as delicately as she could and searched for something to say.

 

She settled for asking, “So will people really believe all this food is for you?”

 

“Yes,” he shrugged. “It’s not out of the ordinary, I normally eat a lot.”

 

Rey snorted indelicately into her plate. “Yes well, it must take a lot of food to maintain… all of that.” She gestured vaguely towards his form with her fork.

 

His brows shot up at her remark and she immediately reddened. What kind of comment was _that_? She struggled to change the subject. Stabbing at the food on her plate, she came up with a chunk of something tan and pleasant smelling. “What’s this?” she asked.

 

Ben glanced at her plate before answering, “Just some rice and meat. Nothing too out of the ordinary.”

 

Rey examined the morsel on her fork, “I’ve never had actual meat before.” She couldn’t help the edge of wonder that found its way into her hoarse voice. She popped the bite into her mouth and felt her eyes involuntarily roll back into her head at the taste. This was far superior to the processed protein rations she had consumed in the past.

 

When she looked at Ben she saw that he was looking at her with that odd look of awe again, now with a hint of something a little more unsettling in the background, more akin to carefully controlled rage. She looked away back down at her plate to avoid the intensity of his gaze.

 

They finished the rest of the meal in silence. As she put her plate down on the table, she yawned deeply. How could she be tired again? She couldn’t have been awake for more than an hour.

 

In answer to her silent question, Ben supplied, “You should probably sleep again. Healing takes a lot out of you. And I think you’ll find actual sleep helps a lot more than induced unconsciousness.”

 

Rey’s first instinct was to argue. She had told herself the next time she woke up that she would receive answers, but now she just had more questions. Instead of finding out what the kark she was doing here, she had let herself be distracted by the basic comforts of food and hygiene, she scolded herself. Still, she could already feel her eyelids drooping, and she knew he was right.

 

She hauled herself off the ground where she had eaten and threw herself ungracefully into the bed. She found it was even more comfortable now that she was out of her flight suit. As she nestled back into the pillows gratefully, she shot the most determined look she could muster over at Ben, who was still seated on the couch and said, “Just a quick nap, and then you and I are going to have a nice long chat about what is going on.”

 

“Of course,” he promised softly, as she fell asleep in his bed once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta, so sorry for any typos. I'm having fun word-vomiting this out instead of working on my WIP. Thank you for reading! Stick around for more trope-fests in coming chapters and leave a comment of your thoughts! I will be forever grateful.


	4. Chapter 4

Rey jerked awake with a start. She barely had time to register Ben, still perched on the couch, her orange jumpsuit in his lap, before she jumped to her feet and hurtled past him into the fresher. No sooner had she skidded to her knees in front of the toilet before she violently emptied her stomach into the porcelain bowl.

 

She heard Ben in the bathroom door behind her swear colorfully in Huttese, and she managed to think through the haze of her discomfort that he must have picked the habit up from his father. As soon as she had that thought, her stomach twisted violently again, and she heaved once more.

 

Once she finished her current round of vomiting, an ungloved hand presented itself in her peripheral vision offering her a damp washcloth. She took it and pressed the cool cloth to her forehead with a grateful sigh.

 

After a few moments of calm, Ben cleared his throat awkwardly and Rey found it in herself to be embarrassed by the current situation. She supposed she had been plenty vulnerable in front of this man while unconscious in his bed, but for some reason having him watch her be sick like this was too intimate for comfort. Avoiding showing weakness was ingrained into her very soul by years of having her findings or portions stolen the moment she dropped her guard. She told herself that it was catastrophic to show this kind of vulnerability in front of a man who was her enemy, but the sentiment seemed to ring hollow.

 

“I guess we should take it slow on the meat,” she rasped without looking at him. The bile from her stomach had done her still recovering throat no favors.

 

“I’m sorry- I didn’t realize,” he offered, his deep voice tight, even for him. She felt him take a hesitant step forward and she shook her head.

 

“You had no reason to expect this would happen,” Rey wasn’t sure why she was trying to make him feel better, but she did nonetheless.

 

Ben reached a hesitant hand out, looking for a moment as if he were going to try to pat her on the head or rub her back, but she interrupted him, “I’d prefer not to have an audience. Vomiting is a solo activity.”

 

He let his arm drop back to his side and she could see his hand clench and unclench at his side a few times. She peaked up at him out of the corner of her eye and found that his face was… hurt? That did not seem right.

 

“I’ll be fine,” she found herself offering anyways, still inexplicably trying to reassure him. “Just close the door on your way out.”

 

He hesitated for the barest moment before doing as she asked, just as a fresh round of heaving wracked her body.

 

~  
  


Rey was roused by a sudden jostling and the feeling of her cheek being peeled away from the cool tile floor. She made a groan of protest at the loss of the soothing cold against her sweaty face, but the feeling was replaced by a set of strong arms wrapping around her and hefting her up. The feeling was oddly familiar, although she was sure nobody had ever cradled her like this in her life. Nobody would have had a reason to.

 

“I thought I told you to let me hurl my guts up in peace,” she mumbled groggily. She tried to sound grumpy to justify the fact that she was currently burying her face in the chest of a soft quilted jacket. She was allowed to take comfort in this sensation as long as she made it clear that she was unhappy with the situation, she rationalized.

 

“And I thought you were smart enough not to sleep on the fresher floor, but here we are.” Rey felt, more than heard Ben’s voice as it rumbled in his chest. “Besides, you stopped throwing up half an hour ago. I could hear you.”

 

Rey remembered heaving over the bowl several more times, before pressing her forehead to the cold tile in an effort to soothe herself. She must have fallen asleep like that. When was she going to be able to stay awake for more than an hour at a time?

 

Rey was gently deposited back on the bed, and she had to admit that it was much more comfortable than the tile floor. She rolled onto her side to face the room, putting her back towards the wall. She saw Ben striding away from the bed and sitting down on the couch to remove his boots.

 

When he looked up and saw her staring, he said, “You can go back to sleep. It’s late, and I’m going to try to get some rest too.” He finished removing his boots, although he remained otherwise fully clothes. He swung his legs back up onto the couch and began the process of organizing his limbs in a way that made it possible for him to lay down on the too-small piece of furniture. It may have been a comical sight if Ben Solo was the type of person Rey had the ability to laugh at. As it was, the cramped angle of his arms and neck was rather pitiful.

 

“Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in your bed?” The words were out of her mouth before she could really think through what she was suggesting. Maybe she really had vomited out some of her brains, but watching him settle in to sleep on the couch while she was laying in luxury on his bed gave her a funny feeling in her chest. It occurred to her that he had been sleeping on that couch for the entirety of the two days she had been there. Why hadn’t he put her on the couch? She was slight enough that she would fit easily, even when stretched out fully.

 

Ben blinked dumbly in response before responding slowly, “You should be the one sleeping in the bed. You’re still healing, and you just spent the last hour being sick.”

 

Rey knew she should be grateful that he had just given her an out from her idiotic suggestion. But, she really had never been one to backtrack, so she charged on blindly ahead, “Well it is a rather large bed.”

 

Ben continued to stare at her without responding.

 

“I mean, I’ve certainly never seen a bed this big before. Then again I usually slept in a hammock anyways so I’m not really an expert on beds. And besides that it was normally just a bunk on a ship or even the floor,” Rey knew she was babbling but the way Ben was staring at her was making her inexplicably nervous, and she was certain that it would be even more intense if she remained silent. “I mean it makes sense that you have such a large bed I suppose since you are just such a large person.”

 

Rey cringed internally. Where the hell had that come from? Why on earth was she commenting on his stature at this point. She tried desperately to backtrack, “No offense, I’m just saying that I doubt you could have fit in my hammock back on Jakku at all.”

 

For some reason this sounded like an even worse comment, and Rey began to flounder.

 

Luckily Ben saved her from herself by suddenly interjecting, “What side of the bed do you prefer?”

 

“I- wait, what?”

 

“What side of the bed do you prefer?” Ben repeated the question, his voice so soft it nearly blended in with the constant low hum of the ship’s engines.

 

“Oh, um, I don’t know,” Rey hedged, surprised that he was actually going along with her ill-advised suggestion. “I’ve never shared a bed with anybody before, so I don’t really have a side.”

 

Ben swung his bare feet to the polished floor and pushed himself to standing. He approached the bed cautiously, as if he were approaching a wounded animal in the woods that he did not wish to startle. It was a strange contrast to his usual aggressively purposeful gait.

 

He paused at the edge of the bed before asking, “I’d rather sleep on the side closer to the door. Do you mind?”

 

It was a startlingly vulnerable request, and it did not escape Rey’s notice that he phrased it as a question. Rey’s scavenger instincts told her to say that yes she minded, keep her closer to the door, allow her an escape route from the room where she was trapped with this strange man. But when she looked into Ben’s eyes, unreadable in the dim lighting, she pushed those instincts down and nodded once before scooting back to give him room to get in

 

Ben paused one moment longer before pulling back the sheets and sliding in quickly, as if he might lose his nerve if he took his time about him. He lay on his back, hands clasped loosely over his stomach, staring straight up at the ceiling. Rey was still on her side, facing him, and took the moment to study his distinctive profile in the shadowy lighting.

 

The silence was taught, and Rey realized that Ben could probably feel her staring at him although he did not comment. As much as her instincts told her not to turn her back to her bedmate, she realized she was not going to get much sleep if she continued to stare at him, and he probably would not either if she judged by the way his eyes remained open and fixed straight ahead. With a sigh she rolled over away from him and faced the wall, letting herself nuzzle into the soft covers beneath her as she got comfortable. If she let herself inhale the comforting scent coming off of the sheets for a moment, she chose to ignore what that meant.

 

“Goodnight, Rey,” came a low grumble from behind her.

 

“Goodnight,” she responded, although it was quiet enough that he may not have heard her.

 

~

 

Rey jerked awake from the same nightmare as always, a choked feeling in her throat. She had long ago trained herself not to scream in her sleep, but her breathing was still rapid and a trickle of cold sweat marched its way down her spine, making her shiver. She forced herself to slow her panting and gave the staff in her hand a reassuring squeeze.

 

She paused. Instead of staff in her hand, where she normally slept with it ready to defend herself at a moment’s notice, she found a warm hand, thick fingers interlaced with her own. After another moment she realized that she hand the hand in a vice grip, and was mildly surprised she hadn’t broken any of its owners bones.

 

With a deep breath, she forced herself to relax her grip and open her eyes. Her gaze rested her hand resting on the pillow in front of her face, where it was interlaced with a distinctive pale hand. She let her eyes drift up to the owner of the hand. She started when she found him facing her, his eyes open and trained on her own, but she did not pull her hand away.

 

Rey broke the silence first, “Have you… have you been watching me sleep?”

 

“No… I mean yes, but not on purpose,” Ben responded. “I didn’t want to wake you up, and you have a very strong grip.”

 

At this Rey did pull her hand away. “Sorry,” she mumbled, “I’m used to holding my staff when I sleep.”

 

Ben stared at his now empty hand for a moment, and Rey thought she detected a flicker of sadness in his face. The sight of him with his bare hand outstretched to her in the dim light brought her back to hut on an island. She could almost hear the waves crashing in the distance, and she was overcome by the overwhelming urge to put her hand back in his. Her fingers inched back towards his of their own volition.

 

The motion caused his eyes to flick away from their hands on the pillow to her eyes. His dark orbs remained firmly fixed on hers as her fingertips brushed his again. It was just the lightest of touch, and she did not take his hand again, but Rey’s focus narrowed to the small point of contact. Ben shifted his hand so the pads of his fingers pressed against hers, and the familiarity of the position was not lost on her.

 

She did not want to interrupt the stillness of the moment, but Rey knew she could not ignore whatever was happening here any longer.

 

“I think you need to do that explaining now.” She whispered into the silence.

 

Ben nodded in response, his eyes still boring into her own, but neither moved to separate their hands.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliff hanger... get ready for some fluff and angsty feelings next chapter. I hope to get back into updating more often here now that finals are over. Thanks for your patience. As always, comments and kudos are my lifeblood... Let me know what you think!
> 
> Find me on tumbler:  
> kittenmacabre13


	5. Chapter 5

The silence in the dim room stretched thin. Rey resisted the urge to prompt Ben to talk, afraid that if she pressed him, he would recoil and refuse to give her any of the answers she sought. He finally broke the tension by closing his eyes, and Rey realized belatedly that she hadn’t been blinking as she stared at him. She blinked rapidly now as she heard Ben take a deep breath through his prominent nose as if to steady himself.

 

He finally pulled his hand away from her and pushed himself up to sitting in the bed. He bent his knees up to his chest and folded his arms over his knees, letting his chin come to rest on his crossed forearms. Rey once again thought of how much of a contrast to his usual demeanor this position was. His normally aggressive stance was traded for something much more exposed, even the set of his shoulders was slumped and harried, none of its former aggressive tension.

 

“I don’t even know where to start,” Ben admitted, staring towards the foot of the bed instead of looking at Rey.

 

Rey also pushed herself up to sitting, mirroring his position with her knees pulled up towards her chest. Their shoulders were close enough that she could feel the warmth of his body, but they did not quite touch. She felt the need to be close to him, but she wanted to give him space to give his explanations. Given the way he was not looking at her now, after the intensity of their former eye contact, she sensed that this was difficult for him and did not want to crowd him while he talked.

 

“Why don’t we start with why you pulled me out of my ship and brought me back to your own quarters in secret,” Rey volunteered softly.

 

“I couldn’t let you die,” Ben responded evenly. The words hung in the air in front of them as they both felt the weight of their honesty. Ben had proved before that he would betray the Order to save her life, but Rey had assumed that she had forfeited that loyalty as soon as she tried to rip his grandfather’s lightsaber out of his grasp with the force. Now that he had said the words out loud though, and with no hesitation, Rey realized she may have assessed the situation incorrectly.

 

“I had convinced myself that you were happy with the Resistance,” Ben spoke so softly that if Rey had been sitting farther away, she might not have been able to understand him, but his voice remained steady. “I did so well at pretending to myself that if you were happy where you were, that would be enough for me. Even if it ripped me open when you left, I made myself live with it so you could have what you wanted. I hope you know that when I offered you the galaxy, I meant it. I would give you anything you wanted and be anything you wanted me to be for you. And if what you wanted was for me to be your villain, well, then I would be that too.”

 

Rey was scarcely breathing as Ben spoke. She felt that if she made a sound or moved, the spell that was over them as he spoke would be broken. And she wanted him, needed him, to finish his story. As he spoke, she found her chest being filled with a warm feeling that she had not felt in months. Hope.

 

“When you closed off the bond completely, I told myself that that would be easier too because being able to feel your presence but not have you near would be even worse. That was a lie too, but I guess I got used to lying to myself these past few months.” Ben took a deep breath before continuing his story, and the motion made his shoulder brush against Rey’s, but she did not move away. “Then a few days ago, I felt you let me in when you were flying that X-wing. I felt you thinking you were about to die, and I felt that you didn’t care. It’s a feeling I’m quite familiar with.”

 

Ben’s admission made Rey itch to reach out and comfort him, but she contained herself. She needed to hear the rest.

 

“I knew I couldn’t let you die, and I refused to let you die thinking that your death was the only purpose you had left.” Ben’s voice was growing stronger as he spoke, gaining volume and conviction. “Not when you are the brightest light in the whole galaxy, I couldn’t let it be wiped out in such a ridiculous stunt. But I knew that you couldn’t be happy here with me. You had made that much very clear. So, I decided I would keep you here, in secret, long enough to heal you. That way you could slip out when you were ready, and nobody would try to stop you because nobody would know you were here. I could let you get back to your friends safely. Even if I can’t make you happy, I can let you go back to the people who will. And I still will. Once your healthy, I’ll get you access to any ship on this base and make sure you can get out safely.”

 

Rey’s brained whirred in her head trying to make sense of all of these words, but it was too much to process. Her mind kept getting stuck on the scene in Snoke’s throne room those months ago, her mind replaying the image of him reaching her hand out to her and the desperate look in his dark eyes.

 

Slowly she asked, “When you asked me to join you, what exactly did you want?”

 

“You. Just you.”

 

At Ben’s words, a pain eased in Rey’s chest that she had not even realized had been there. It was if she had been slowly suffocating for months and she was finally taking a deep breath. The relief was so sweet that she felt tears pricking the back of her eyes.

 

After spending her whole life feeling as if she had been cast aside, that she _deserved_ to be abandoned, she had been unable to believe that somebody would want her. She told herself that Ben wanted only power and jumped to violence to protect herself from being hurt when he eventually cast her aside. But now, hearing that he had really wanted her and not the power, she finally admitted to herself that maybe it wasn’t so bad to let herself be wanted. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to let herself want somebody in return.

 

“I’m sorry I left you there on the floor,” she admitted.

 

“Don’t be,” Ben responded emphatically. “Being Supreme Leader these past months has made me sure of exactly what I want.”

 

“Which is?” Rey knew the answer in her heart already, but she wanted to hear him say it again.

 

“You, Rey. I knew I wanted you, but I told myself that the best way to be with you was to rule the galaxy together. Now that I have the galaxy though, it feels meaningless. It was never what I wanted. I let myself believe it would make me happy because other people told me so.” His next intake of breath was shuddering, “If you wanted me, I would give it all up in a heartbeat.”

 

Rey’s heart stuttered against her ribs, “If I wanted you?”

 

“You don’t feel the same way. I get it. Nobody as full of light as you could want anybody as broken as me,” the way he said it was so utterly nonchalant it was jarring. Rey’s mind flashed to how readily he had agreed that he was a monster, how he had never argued against any of Rey’s accusations of his guilt.

 

They had spent the entire conversation thus far looking at the wall in front of them, not looking at each other making it easier to make these admissions. Now, Rey turned to look at him, needing to see his face.

 

“I never said I didn’t want you.”

 

Ben’s eyes snapped to hers and held there.

 

“You… you…”

 

Rey nodded slowly.

 

“Say it. Please.”

 

Rey had never been as frank about expressing herself as Ben had. He always seemed to wear his emotions clear as day on his face, but Rey had always been careful about expressing that she wanted anything. It seemed like admitting wanting was admitting weakness. As if it was tempting fate to take what little she had away from her. But she knew Ben needed to hear her say it as much as she had needed to hear his admission. So, she took a deep breath and said simply, “I want you, Ben.”

 

It was as if the words had freed him from where he was frozen in place. He lurched towards her, closing the small distance between them before she could process what was happening. His hands grasped at her shoulders and he buried his face between her shoulder and her neck.

 

Rey had gotten used to hugging in her time with Resistance, always happy for the casual displays of affection from Finn and Poe, but this felt less like a hug and more like a drowning man clinging to a floating piece of driftwood in a wild ocean. She could feel Ben trembling against her and she realized that he was whispering something.

 

When she leaned her head down to try to hear him, she recognized the single word he was repeating, over and over again.

 

“ _Rey.”_

She let arms come around his shoulders and pressed herself to him nearly as desperately as he was clinging to her, her cheek coming to rest against his dark locks.

 

They stayed like that for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many feelings! Sorry for the shorter chapter, I decided to go for two shorter chapters instead of one long one here. Looks like we are going to be earning that rating next chapter so stay tuned folks. As always, comments and kudos keep me going so please let me know what you think. Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Also, I'm getting myself started on a Modern AU so look out for that if you are interested. I've been tossing the idea around for a while and I'm really excited for it.
> 
> Find me on tumblr:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/kittenmacabre13


	6. Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay! I went to Disney World, where I did meet the one and only KYLO REN! It was hilarious and if you want the full story you can read it on my tumblr: kittenmacabre13
> 
> You will now be rewarded for all your patience... that's right! Here is the smut! It only took me 10,000 words to get there, even though I originally planned on writing a smutty one shot. Whoops. This chapter is super NSFW, never mind that I wrote part of it at my desk. What can I say, I was the only person in the entire office today. Also, this chapter is twice as long as all the others... so I guess I got carried away. I hope you appreciate it!
> 
> This is my first smut, so go easy on me. Also, I don't have a beta so pardon any errors. Enjoy!

After their heavy conversation, Rey had held Ben for a long time. She had never grown extremely comfortable with extended physical contact and how vulnerable it made her feel in a life where keeping everybody at arm’s length had been key to her survival, but somehow moving away from Ben after everything that had passed between them felt wrong. So she had kept her cheek pressed into his hair, relishing the woodsy scent of cedar and bergamot that wafted off of it until she dozed off again.

 

She was surprised she had fallen asleep again, but she reasoned her body must be demanding rest to compensate for the energy it was spending healing. She had healed quite a bit in a condensed period of time thanks to Ben; her ribs and head only hurt if she thought about it, and her voice was now only slightly husky in her throat. The fact that this was the first real bed she had ever laid on did nothing to dissuade her from sleeping as much as possible, as she greedily took advantage of snuggling into the plush pillows on Ben’s pillowy bed.

 

As it was, Rey found that they had shifted positions so her cheek was smashed up against something firm and broad: Ben’s chest. She could feel a thick limb draped heavily over her waist and sensed his breaths shifting the loose hair on the top of her head as he breathed.

 

She tried to surreptitiously nuzzle into Ben’s pectorals a little, remembering how they had looked when she had happened upon him bare-chested through the force bond. Then, she had had the sudden fleeting urge to press herself against his exposed muscles, wanting to know how they felt under her hands and face. She wasn’t going to waste the opportunity to indulge herself when it was given to her on a silver platter like this, she mused burrowing as close as possible. It would be even nicer if he weren’t wearing a-

 

“You’re awake.”

 

Ben’s voice snapped Rey away from her thoughts and she froze. She was suddenly embarrassed that he had caught her rubbing her face on him like some sort of Loth cat. She pulled her face away from his chest to peer up at him, hoping her cheeks weren’t too obviously red with embarrassment.

 

“How long was I asleep for?” she asked, hoping to distract him from her antics.

 

“Just another hour. I’m not surprised you need the rest, considering how much healing you’ve gone through. Even if the Force speeds the process, the energy required still comes from your body.”

 

Rey nodded her understanding, although she was distracted by the feeling of Ben’s broad hand which had shifted so his palm was now pressed flush against her mid back, and his thumb was moving absently in small circles against the protrusions of her spine.

 

“I’m sorry,” Rey said, grasping for words as she forced herself to focus. “I didn’t mean to keep you here if you have work you need to be doing.” She realized it was odd to apologize for keeping him from work that she had made a full-time job out of trying to thwart for the past several months, but she kept that to herself. She was grateful for his help and happier than she cared to admit that she hadn’t woken up alone once more.

 

“I canceled all of my meetings for today, I have nothing I need to be doing right now,” Ben answered simply.

 

Rey started, “Won’t that seem strange? Won’t your subordinates ask questions?”

 

Ben shrugged, and the movement accentuated the press of his muscles against her in a supremely distracting way.

 

Get ahold of yourself, she admonished herself.

 

“Everybody around here thinks I’m rather… e _ccentric…_ anyways. Might as well support the image.” The corner of Ben’s mouth twisted as he spoke.

 

“That’s an interesting way of saying they think your bantha-shit crazy,” Rey quipped at him without thinking.

 

The chuckle Ben released in response vibrated deep in his chest, and Rey could feel it echoed in her own body where it touched his. She realized she had never heard him laugh before and was glad she had finally coaxed it out of him. The deep timbre of his laugh did funny things to her head, and the twinkle in his deep eyes made her aware of how close together their faces were. The feeling made her squirm involuntarily.

 

At her movement, Ben stopped laughing. “Are you alright?” he asked, suddenly concerned. “Is it your ribs or your head?”

 

Rey shook her head, “No, I’m fine.”

 

When Ben continued to look at her with a furrowed brow she offered lamely, “You’re just so… close.”

 

Ben looked momentarily horrified before shifting to pull away, but Rey’s hand shot up to fist in the front of his shirt before he could move, freezing him in place.

 

They both held perfectly still for a moment before Rey took a deep breath to brace herself and whispered, “I didn’t mean it was a bad thing.”

 

Rey could feel Ben’s breath catch as the hurt drained from his face. Now his eyes were soft and so very very close as they peered into her. He inched closer to her, tilting his head so their noses brushed against each other. There something between a question and a plea in his eyes, and Rey answered it by closing the last inch between them and pressing her lips to his.

 

When Rey scavenged, she often lowered herself into the skeletons of the old star destroyers on a rope. Sometimes when she was feeling reckless, she would loosen her hold on the rope instead of lowering down hand over hand, and slide down into the darkness at a breakneck speed whooping in a rare moment of unrestrained joy. She would get a swooping feeling deep in her belly, and her whole body felt weightless as she dared to defy gravity for a few moments.

 

That is what kissing Ben felt like. She felt so light that she thought she might float off the bed if it weren’t for Ben’s broad hands holding her in place, one still firmly pressed against her lower back, and the other having drifted up to cup her face, it’s broad palm spanning the side of her head completely. Rey might have been nervous about never having kissed somebody before, but the sweetness of his mouth against hers banished any doubts she may have had, letting instinct guide her completely. Ben kissed her slowly and carefully, using his soft lips to investigate hers with a sweet curiosity that made her sigh. As her lips parted around the soft sound, Ben used the opportunity to slip the tip of his tongue between them and brush it gently into her open mouth.

 

It was incredible.

 

Rey attempted to wiggle closer, one hand still fisted in his shirt, making it impossible for him to move away even a fraction of an inch, not that he was trying. Her legs tangled with his and her other hand came up to weave its way into the hair curled at the nape of his neck.

 

Although she had been confused by the thought at the time, Rey had wanted to weave her hands into his dark locks from the first moment that he had taken his helmet off in front of her. She could now confidently say that his hair was indeed as soft as it looked.

 

Her fingernails scratching lightly at his scalp, causing Ben to release a deep rumble in the back of his throat, halfway between a moan and a purr. He pulled back slightly, and Rey had to suppress the urge to whimper at the loss of his lips, but he used his prominent nose to brush against her cheek, assuring her that he was still right there.

 

“Let me in,” he said, his voice raw.

 

Rey was momentarily confused before she felt a gentle tug on the bond in the back of her mind. While she had been on the starship, she had left it mostly closed, but she hadn’t brought herself to shut it off completely, telling herself that it was silly to hide her very presence from him when he could see her right in front of him. Now she let the door swing open all the way, and the breath was knocked out of her by what she felt.

 

Flowing from him into her mind was pure, unadulterated adoration, cut with a slight undercurrent of something a little more primal and raw. She would have been scared by the intensity of the feeling if she wasn’t sure that he was sensing the same things from her. If she had any doubts about where this kiss was heading before, they were fully banished from her mind now.

 

She surged forward to kiss him again, this time crushing her lips against his with more considerable force. He responded in kind, wasting no time in sweeping his tongue back inside her mouth to duel with her own. Somehow they shifted so that Rey was now fully on her back and Ben was hovering over her, weight fully supported on his hands and knees so as not to crush her.

 

Rey was having none of it. Now that she had felt his desire matching hers, Rey wanted to feel as much of his body pressed against hers as she possibly could, to feel his solid weight against hers and know that he was really there. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and yanked him down, causing him to fall to his elbows, braced on either side of her head. Now his chest and abdomen were flush against hers, and she jolted at the hardness she felt against her thigh when his hips fell to nestle between her thighs.

 

Still wanting more, and taking advantage of his positive responses to her boldness, she ran her hands up underneath Ben’s shirt, letting her fingers map the corded lengths of muscle she found along his back. Getting the message, Ben pulled away briefly, ripping his shirt off at lightning speed before returning his lips to their work.

 

Taking a lesson from her own explorations, Ben now let his lips drift down from her lips, brushing across her jawline to pepper kisses down the column of her throat towards her collarbone, which was exposed by the wide neckline of his too-big shirt, now pushed haphazardly off to one side. Rey was pleasantly surprised to find she loved the feeling of his teeth nipping at her sensitive flesh, only to be soothed away be a bold swipe with the flat of his tongue.

 

Meanwhile, one of Ben’s hands journeyed from its spot on the pillow to work its way under the baggy shirt and stroke soft lines up and down her flank.

 

Rey couldn’t help the soft sound of pleasure that escaped her as Ben’s lips met the hollow of her throat. At her noise, Ben’s eyes flicked to hers questioningly and he gripped the bottom edge of her- well, his- shirt. Not giving herself a chance to second guess herself, Rey nodded, and then Ben was pulling up the shirt off over her head.

 

Once it was off, Ben sat back on his haunches and simply stared at her, now bare before him from the waist up. Rey had never been self-conscious of her body before, seeing it as an instrument for her use, and even proud of it for the trials it had brought her through. The penetrating look in Ben’s eyes though made her aware of her body in other ways she had never considered before. She squirmed slightly and turned her face to the side, away from the intensity of his eyes.

 

One of his large hands came to cup her cheek immediately, turning her face to his once more. “What’s wrong?”

 

Rey squirmed slightly under him once more as she grasped for what to say. “It’s just…” she hedged, “I’ve never done this before.”

Ben blinked once before responding levelly, “Well, neither have I.”

 

Now it was Rey’s turn to blink. “Oh,” she said lamely, “Really?”

 

Ben nodded, and she could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “There were always more important things to do. Until now.” His thumb traced along her cheekbone as he spoke. “Now I don’t think there will ever really be anything more important than you.”

 

Rey felt an infectious warmth spread through her chest at his statement, before heading further south. “I guess we will figure this out together then,” she murmured.

 

“I like that,” Ben responded hoarsely as his hand drifted up to let his knuckles brush along the underside of her breast.

 

Rey found she liked it too.

 

Ben’s exploring hands grew bolder as he cupped one of her breasts in his palm letting his thumb brush softly over her nipple, eliciting a slight gasp. Encouraged by her reaction, he used his thumb and pointer finger to pinch and roll the now hard bud, causing a very unladylike sound to rip itself from Rey’s throat. Rey thought she saw a smirk flit across Ben’s face before he ducked his head and replaced his fingers with his mouth, and Rey completely lost all reason as the warm heat of his mouth engulfed her senses.

 

Ben continued his attentions on her breasts until Rey was panting and her fingers were hopelessly tangled into his hair from urging him on. Then he slid his hands down to the waistband of the sleep pants she wore and gently slid them down her legs, pulling away to work them off of her ankles.

 

He moved to join her on the bed again, but she shook her head to stop him before saying, “You too.”

 

At her request, unbuckled his pants and pushed them down his thighs before stepping out to leave them in a dark puddle on his bedroom floor. Rey’s eyes widened as she took in the entirety of him. Rey had seen men naked before, washing off in the one tiny fresher at Niima outpost, or changing hastily in the close quarters of a Resistance ship. But she had never seen one like this, hard and proud and _enormous._

As Ben moved back onto the bed on his knees, Rey reached out and brushed her hand over his hard length, needing to know what he felt like. At her tentative touch, he let out a strangled sound and let his weight fall forward again onto his hands over her. Encouraged at his response, Rey let her fingers wrap around him, squeezing lightly. She was surprised at the softness of his skin over the rod so hard, it could have been made of durasteel. The tip was an endearing shade of pink, and she could feel his pulse against her hand. Looking back up to his face, Rey found that Ben’s eyes were screwed shut, and his long hair had come to fall across his brow. His cheeks had gone red and the blush had traveled across his normally milky skin to cover his neck and chest. It was the most beautiful that Rey had ever seen him.

 

Rey let her hand stroke up and down his length tentatively a few times, causing Ben to groan once again and his face fell to press his forehead into hers. After a few more moments he reached down and batted her hand away.

 

“I’m sorry, did I hurt-“

 

Ben shook his head as his eyes snapped open to look into hers. “No,” his voice was still strangled as he spoke, “No, it felt _too_ good, and there is something I want to try first.”

 

Then he was shifting down her body, peppering her with kisses as he went; the side of her breast, her sternum, her belly, her hipbone. He used his hands to part her thighs before him and Rey propped herself up on her forearms to see what he was doing. He leaned down between her legs and stared at her with dark, hungry eyes. Rey was sure he could see the wetness dripping out of her, accumulation on her upper thighs. A distant part of her mind felt that maybe she should be embarrassed at having his intense gaze wholly focused on the apex of her thighs, but she was too busy feeling like her skin was on fire to care.

 

Ben took one thick digit and ran it carefully through her folds, and Rey stopped breathing. Just that one touch and she felt like she was going to explode. The intensity of the sensation caused her to fall back off her elbows and hit the pillows with a light whump. She continued to stare up as his fingers mapped her wet heat, and although the ceiling overhead was a solid black, Rey could clearly see stars.

 

Rey was so busy trying to keep herself from flying into a million tiny pieces that she did not notice Ben leaning down until she felt the heat of his mouth cover her, forcing a long gasping moan out of the back of her throat that she would not have believed she was capable of producing if she had not just heard it with her own ears.

 

Encouraged by her reaction, Ben began using his tongue to explore every inch of her hot center. At first, it was a bit artless, feeling as if Ben were simply trying to run his lips and tongue over every inch of her until he had memorized her by feel and taste alone, burying his face into her with the same reckless abandon that defined his signature fighting style. He was single-minded in his devouring of her. However, when he ran his tongue over a tight nub at the top of her folds that made Rey moan anew, his onslaught became more focused.

 

He was a quick study, perhaps because the bond between them was blown so wide open that he could clearly feel how his ministrations were affecting her. He eventually settled into a pattern that made Rey’s legs shake, latching his mouth around the sensitive bud and hollowing his cheeks out gently as his tongue danced maddening patterns over its tip. Rey practically writhed under him, her hands coming unbidden to tangle in his mane once more as a serious of profanities tumbled from her lips.

 

She felt a pulsating tightness building in her core that she did not understand and couldn’t control. As Ben added his hand between her legs and probed her entrance with the tip of one thick finger, Rey felt as if that tightness were about to snap. Overwhelmed, she began twisting under him, legs thrashing uselessly and head tossing side to side in an effort to contain whatever this shattering sensation was.

 

Ben’s free hand came up to soothingly stroke her side, even as the finger of his other hand pushed deeper inside her.

 

**_Just let it happen. It’s ok Rey… Let go._ **

****

The sound of Ben’s voice in Rey’s head is what finally caused the heat in her belly to snap, sending electric heat skittering out through every inch of her body and her vision to go white. Pleasure wrung its way through her body until she forgot her own name, even as Ben’s name tore its way from her throat in a ragged gasp.

When Rey finally came to her senses, she could feel Ben gently nuzzling the softness of her inner thigh with his face as both hands continued to run up and down her sides as if he had to make sure she was all still there.

 

He gazed up at her through his dark lashes and said, “That was…” Rey felt him release a shaky breath against her inner thigh, “the most exquisite thing I have ever seen.”

 

Rey reached down and tugged on Ben’s shoulders, urging him up to hover over her once more. A quiet voice pulsed inside her with every beat of her frantic heart insisting _more, more, more._ Growing up in the harshness of Jakku, Rey had learned to never deny herself a pleasure that was in front of her, knowing it could be taken away at any moment. Feeling Ben’s presence humming through the bond now and the pleasure still running over her skin like sparks, Rey knew she had to soak up every stolen moment of this feeling now. Not knowing what the future might hold, she was determined to experience every bit of this, of _Ben,_ that she could.

 

Now hovering above her once again, Ben brought his a hand up to cradle her face with a heartbreaking gentleness.

 

“Rey,” he murmured, the syllable managing to be both a prayer and a question, his eyes searching desperately for something in her returned gaze.

 

Rey nodded, the movement making her nose brush against his softly. “I want this. I trust you.”

 

No sooner had the words left her mouth when Ben groaned raggedly and stuttered forward, causing the tip of him to brush against her damp folds. The contact made Rey gasp and she bucked her hips up unconsciously towards him.

 

Composing himself, Ben dropped the hand not cupping her face to her hip, steadying her softly in place.

 

“Shhh, let me,” he murmured.

 

Rey stilled as Ben positioned himself at her sopping entrance without breaking their eye contact, and began to push forward. Time managed to simultaneously grind to a halt and pick up double time as Rey felt Ben enter her. She had worried that this part would hurt, but she was too overwhelmed by the wonder in Ben’s eyes and the feeling of utter completeness to even notice if it did. When Ben was fully sheathed within Rey he stilled, and they could have been the only two people in the entire universe in the perfect stillness of that moment.

 

Then they began to move. At first, their rhythm was shaky and awkward, but Rey didn’t care. There was something beautiful in the way they learned to move together, gaining confidence and matching up their movements until even their very heartbeats were synchronized.

 

Ben continued to with his heartbreaking gentleness, his hands caressing her cheeks and hair until Rey wrapped her legs around him and urged him on by grinding her heels into his muscular backside. Emboldened by her encouragement, Ben’s movements gained speed and power, making Rey moan and squirm anew.

 

As they found their pace, Rey was delighted to find that Ben made love the same way he fought: powerfully, with an untamed roughness around the edges of his movements that somehow did nothing to detract from the startling grace of his motions.

 

It wasn’t long until Rey felt the maddening tightness low in her belly again, and she dug her fingers into Ben’s hard shoulders, even as she felt his movements become more erratic over her. Gazing up at him, she could see the strain in the muscles of his neck and the grit of his teeth.

 

“Please, Ben, Kriff,” she whined under him, not entirely sure what she was asking for, but Ben obliged her anyways, reaching one hand down between them to rub over the spot right over where they were joined.

 

She whimpered at the contact, feeling moments away from that glorious peak.

 

“Kriff, Rey,” Ben’s voice was harsh and strangled, “So beautiful, so perfect… Rey, you’re _everything.”_

At Ben’s words, Rey tumbled over the edge once more, and she felt Ben follow her over with a groan. Together they tumbled through their pleasure, the force and their bond singing around them as they clung to each other through their high.

 

Eventually, they came down, Ben having collapsed on top of Rey and her content to cling to him tightly, legs and arms still wrapped around him while he softened inside her. She should have felt crushed by his massive frame, but instead, she just felt comforted by the solidness against her, keeping her from floating away on the high of her pleasure.

 

“Ben?” she murmured softly into his hair where it pressed against her face.

 

He grunted in response, apparently too far gone to form proper words still.

 

“You are everything to me too.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos make this author do a happy dance!
> 
> I also love it when readers contact me with comments and questions so connect with me on Tumblr!   
> https://kittenmacabre13.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, y'all are fabulous.

**Author's Note:**

> I fully intended to turn out a smutty one shot, and then I quickly realized I can't write anything without way too much backstory and angst. So please enjoy and leave a comment! Will add more chapters soon!
> 
> Find me on tumblr:  
> https://kittenmacabre13.tumblr.com/


End file.
